Is it hard for you to admit your vulnerabilities to others? To God?
This is the challenge question asked in the book study done at Lelia's blog.
The book being studied is called "Behind Those Eyes", by Lisa Whittle.
To say that it's been hard for me would be an understatement. This has been such an issue for me over the years. I have never wanted anyone to see the real me. It gave me nightmares to think that others could know I made a mistake or that I failed. Throughout my life I have always appeared to be doing okay, always appeared to be in control of things. When some of my friends confessed they had issues in certain areas I would counsel them, I would encourage them, never letting on that sometimes those very issues haunted me.
On many occasions my husband would say he doesn't understand how it is that I seem to have walls up all the time. I never understood where it all came from, but I know I pretended to be someone who I wasn't for a very long time.
Just the thought of being vulnerable to another person was always too much to bear. Many times I really wanted to open up to some of my friends about how I felt inside but after a while I would convince myself that it wasn't really necessary and that I would be ok.
There was a time during our marriage that I felt like nothing was going right and in a weak moment I opened up to a friend. I could not sleep at all that night, all I thought about was that I had showed my friend a different side of me. I felt like I would die, honestly. My friend was surprised of course because I had never let on that anything in my marriage bothered me.
On the other hand I wasn't too open with God either and I realised that's why it took me so long to get help and to get healed from some of my emotional issues.
I praise God today with the help of the Holy Spirit and with constant study of His word, God is helping me to be more open with my husband, my children, my family and my friends. After reading one of Joyce Meyer's book I saw the damage I was doing to myself and my relationships and that put me on the path to healing.
God has been so faithful that as I open up more to Him, He is showing me more of Himself and has been using me to help those around me heal.
It was not an easy place to be and it took a lot to maintain that hard wall, when many times I just wanted to break down and cry. I bless God for removing my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh.
Thank you Jesus.